Christmas is an incredibly vulnerable time for children. Think of it as judgment day lived out every year. If they were good, they can expect riches beyond their wildest imaginations. If not, coal.

There is a lot of anxiety wrapped up in that precious morning, so the last thing you want to do is ruin it with nightmare-inducing product that will cause the child to question far more than the existence of Santa. Here are a few toys you might want to avoid, unless your child has ever made a cameo appearance on The Adams Family.

Sure, the concept sounds great – mix and match human and animal body parts to create… wait, no, that sounds awful. Yes, the image you see to your left is as you suspect – a decapitated, legless torso impaled upon a plastic figurine cow with baby arms for horns. It’s like Dr. Moreau got hopped up on PCP and joined a demonic cult of doll makers.

Maybe your 6-year-old is into freakish, misconfigured flesh dolls and happened to be the primary source for the entire Omen movie series; however, if that is not the case, and you have no intention of causing your child to wet him or herself well into their early 20’s, you might want to reconsider purchasing a toy whose sole feature is disfigurement.

Side Note: I would totally love one of these.

Perfect for bringing comfort to children mourning the loss of a pet, Dead Pets go so far as to recreate memories with features including “Tire Tracks on the Kitty”. Tag line includes “They’ll never run away.”

Handing one of these to a child is actually accepted as a cover charge into Dante’s 7th Circle of Hell, reserved for those who were “violent to Nature and God”.

To make matters worse, if one took Amazon’s recommended products, the kids would also be unwrapping books and cards “Grieving with the Loss of a Pet.”
Confusing message? Perhaps you need a therapist, or a visit here.

Finally, fans of gruesome homicide (8 years and up) can have their own sinister murder weapon, just like the one used by the Demon Barber of Fleet Street himself! This movie-accurate replica from Tim Burton’s lively horror musical dysfunction love story “Sweeney Todd” lets kids role play one of the most lovable mass murderers in popular history. (Hey Dad, want a haircut? Now, about that allowance…)

No mere plastic toy, the ten inch (!) blade comes stamped “Hand Made Surgical Steel Crafted in China” and includes a lovely velvet draw string pouch.

Best of all, we love Amazon’s safety warnings:
CHOKING HAZARD — Toy contains a marble. Not for children under 3 yes.
CHOKING HAZARD — Children under 8 yes. can choke or suffocate on uninflated or broken balloons. Adult supervision required. Keep uninflated balloons from children. Discard broken balloons at once.

Yeah, thanks Amazon. Wouldn’t want Timmy slipping on a marble with the murderous razor in his hands. What crazy parent gives marbles and balloons to a kid, anyway?

Buying your child this gift will have Chris Hanson on your doorstep faster than Michael Jackson (too soon?).

While Predator Hands do seem like an awesome toy, it could probably lead to some mental break downs or calls from the FBI. Even worse, if your kid gets upset that he didn’t receive the much coveted Hulk Hands, his school teacher may have difficulty overlooking comments like “daddy’s predator hands ruined my Christmas”.

Trust me, there is no way this ends well.

Ballet not exciting enough for your child? Step it up a notch with this miniature stripper pole kit! Great for birthday parties!
Package 1 (hoax or real?) come with stripping music CD, fake tipping money, a pole and dress up accessories.

Package 2  includes an extendable stripper pole, a sexy dance garter, and a DVD that teaches the viewer how to remove their clothes.

States the description: “Unleash the sex kitten inside…simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go! Soon you’ll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars.”
Manufacturer Tesco agreed to move the product from the Toy section of its site to the category of “fitness accessory.” Safe family fun?

Let’s assume for a second, and I say assume because there is strong evidence to the contrary that the SubSkate by SwimWays actually worked… that is, somehow this magical device allows your child to “skateboard” under the “water” without “dying” of “asphyxiation” and “cerebral hypoxia”.

I’m just saying, if that was the case, this could be a really awesome toy, you know.

What’s wrong with a kid developing a healthy fear of water and painful choking death?

The only thing worse than constantly obsessing over one or two cats is owning an entire fleet of felines.

This gift will not only teach your child that it’s okay to own 6 cats, but it will also more than likely instill in them the determination to own more.

Before you know it your son or daughter will be bringing strays home from school. These strays will breed and you will have more cats. The cycle will continue until your child has become an exact replica of this innocent toy you bought them years earlier.

Any positive association with cock blocking is wrong.

It is a crime against humanity, civilization, and all forms of manly law.

Subconsciously as your son or daughter plays with the cockblocs set, they will begin to find pleasure in its existence.

In college they will begin to play the third wheel for spite. They will be roommate that comes in when they see a tie on the door knob. In essence you will be at fault for turning your child into the ultimate cock block: the one that everyone will hate for life.

Make death and destruction an educational experience with a Tsunami activity set. Complete with miniature town homes and following economic crisis.

Science and physics are cornerstones of education, but when we take a close look at the props in this Tsunami kit, we start to question the motives.

Boom! Hahaha! Too bad about your vacation condo.

Boom! Hahaha! There goes the waterfront district!

OK, time for lunch, Billy.

What the fuuuuuuuu? . . . is that the body of a pig with a bush for the head and a knife up its ass?

Yes. I am pretty sure this toy is a pig with a bush for the head and a knife sticking out of its ass.

Even if it isn’t a knife, there is still something sticking out of its ass. And with that comes the dilemma with this toy: anal fixation.

Your child will see this object in the ass of the bush head pig and begin to wonder, experiment, and possibly like it.

If this doesn’t happen, you’re guaranteed to have the anal sex talk way before the birds and the bees.

“Hidy ho, Dick Cheyney shotgun slinging doll is the best toy that you could ever give your child!

I gave each of my children this action figurine when they were tots and they ended up just DANDY! Nothing shows the American spirit like ole’ Diky and his gun, ya know! I
have one in each of my good ole AMERICAN made vehicles to show that I am just like the average person! Teach your child the CORRECT way to support the GOP by burning into their medulla olbinga-thingy at a young age like my parents did!”

–Sarah Palin excerpt from Going Rogue

Passive aggressive much? If the kids are feeling the need to harm and hug all at once, the Sunamiya paint company in Imabari Japan has their back with the Teddy Bear Gun.

Take aim, pull the trigger and shoot that irritating someone with a fluffy teddy bear. Get the kids armed for all those “love/hate” relationships they’re sure to fall victim to in the coming years (not that we’d know…).

Animal rights activists can settle down: Teddy parachutes to a soft landing after his initial projection into space.

Has your child been finding gum on the subway or underneath restaurant tables? Tired of inspecting their mouths to fish out an old chunk of pre-used chewed candy? Teach them how to REALLY put it to use with these Gum Art Kits! Candy isn’t just for eating you know.

Mmmm-mmm good?
The package claims to help kids develop fine motor skills and concentration. “Create artwork by chewing tasty wads of gum and spreading the chewed gum onto the Chew by Numbers art board. A great restaurant diversion for the kids!

A fun toy for the obsessive compulsive “who can laugh at themselves,”… but then can they? We couldn’t help but note that it’s for sale on a psychology site that nurtures those with disabilities. Are we detecting dual personalities?

Features:
• Comes with a surgical mask and a sanitary hypo-allergic moist towelette!

Packaged on an attractive illustrated blister card

The description states “All the fun of OCD can be yours…”
Really? Fun? Look for sequels including “Joy of Schizophrenia” and “the Comforts of Bi-Polar Disorder”.

Making toilet training fun and approachable is an admirable goal, but the Pee & Poo toys seem like a good way for your child to develop an unnatural affection toward their own waste products.

At a bare minimum, the sympathetic “Why me?” faces on the waste products will make flushing the toilet a psychologically jarring event.

Toys 9 Comments December 9th, 2009